Monday, April 28, 2014

It's my Monday and I'll ride if I want to.

Greetings from "Hipsturbia!"  That's where I am right now as I type this:


Look at that street I just rode down.  Now read the New York Times's description of it:

Here, beside the gray-suited salarymen and four-door minivans, it is no longer unusual to see a heritage-clad novelist type with ironic mutton chops sipping shade-grown coffee at the patisserie, or hear 30-somethings in statement sneakers discuss their latest film project as they wait for the 9:06 to Grand Central.

As formerly boho environs of Brooklyn become unattainable due to creeping Manhattanization and seven-figure real estate prices, creative professionals of child-rearing age — the type of alt-culture-allegiant urbanites who once considered themselves too cool to ever leave the city — are starting to ponder the unthinkable: a move to the suburbs.

But only if they can bring a piece of the borough with them.

Lies.  All lies.  I mean, sure, I bet plenty of boho douchebags move from Brooklyn to here, but I can only assume they become suburban doofuses almost immediately, because I'm up here all the time and I don't ever see anyone who fits the above description.  If this town is cool then my neighborhood is the trendiest place on the planet.  (Which I can assure you it isn't.  The hippest place in my neighborhood is a kosher cafe, withe the fro-yo place running a close second.)

No, there ain't no Brooklyn up here.  There is, however, a lot of the suburbs in Brooklyn now, but that's another story.

So what am I doing up here, besides looking for "heritage-clad novelist types with ironic mutton chops," of which there are none?  (Holy shit, I just realized I'm the mutton-chopped novelist type!  But I don't actually live here, so in your face New York Times.)  Well, I'm at a cafe where I'm busy patting myself on the back for sneaking in a bicycle ride this morning:


See that?  That's the gate to the mountain bike trails behind the mall where all the "Hipsturbia" bohos shop.  (Okay, fine, I shop there too, and we hit up Sur la Table pretty fuckin' hard this past weekend.)  What happened was I woke up this morning and thought to myself, "Aw, man, too bad it's Monday, back to the grind I guess."  Then I fired up the new coffee maker from Sur la Table, and as it slowly relinquished its fair trade caffeinated diarrhea I realized, "Wait a minute, I'm a bike blogger, I don't have a grind!"  I mean, really, if I'm going to be a semi-professional bike blogger I might as well enjoy myself, right?  So off I went.

Of course, since I was theoretically "on the clock" I strapped on the Fly6.  However, the little card inside of it seems to be freaking out a little bit, so I wasn't able to make all that much sense of the footage.  (In particular, I couldn't find the footage of myself urinating, which is a huge loss for all of us.)   I did, however, get to watch myself clearing this difficult (for me) section:


See how I get behind the saddle and my scranus totally blots out the sun?


Amazing.  Who needs one of those newfangled "dropper seatposts" when you've got this kind of crotchal agility?

I hereby dub this section "Mount Scranus:"


(Like my scranus, it's craggy and forbidding.)

In addition to patting myself on the back for riding my bicycle when actual useful people are working, I'm also patting myself on the back for owning this particular bicycle:


Which, to mitigate the sheer artisanality of it, I've currently got rolling on wheels I built using only the very cheapest mail-order components:


I think the Nashbar hub cost me something like fourteen cents, and it's one of my favorite components in cycling because about twenty different companies sell variously branded versions of it at wildly different prices, the most amusing of which is the "Woodman" which goes for well over a hundred dollars:


Still, you get your money's worth in terms of sheer bulk, because the thing weighs as much as a Honda Civic.

Meanwhile, you're probably as shocked as I am that Paolo Savoldelli was doping:


I cannot believe that a rider whose entire career was based on having slightly above-average descending skills was forced to resort to drugs.

Anyway, having frittered the morning away, it is now time for me to flee "Hipsturbia," so I'm throwing the bike on the old trunk rack and leaving town:



See you tomorrow, and if you're looking for me in the meantime I'll be taunting Clark Griswold.

111 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podioioioi

Anonymous said...

Another Schleck DNF

Anonymous said...

close?

Anonymous said...

whoot!!!

Bryan Bracy said...

Top five_in it.

ken e. said...

zzzz...


TOMS ELCK

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix

Flyover BC said...

top ten

Spokey said...

finally top 10 again!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...


Rain, Rain and more rain here in fly over. I drove the car I own.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

In Kanada? Amerika I would expect.
http://www.inquisitr.com/1227941/family-of-teen-killed-on-bike-sued-for-1-3-million-by-their-sons-killer/

Anonymous said...

I knew a honda civic. That hub, Sir, is not the weight of a civic.

cycle

Serial Retrogrouch said...

13th

Blog Drafter said...

"withe the fro-yo place…"

s/b "with". Just doing my part. If that's your Scranus I'm taking up another sport, and planet.

I:

has imamica

grog said...

Time for a new memory card, eh?
MISS BABE

Twat.I.am said...

Yellow jersey buttfucks!

Flyover BC said...

Scranus: I guess that's why they call it
"Where the sun don't shine".

dcee604 said...

Nice Ferrari!

ouabacher said...

WCRM. So how short does the ride have to be for you to NOT urinate, you old coot?

Nebraska bike comblahblahblah. said...

Statement Sneakers would not be a bad name for a band. Not very good either though.

Fredder said...

Sorry Snob, but you are in denial. That article was very much about YOU. Despite that I will continue to read your blog.

Spokey said...

I taco'd my front wheel somewhere back in the mid-80s. Bought an entire built wheel set from Nashbar for $40 (us pesos). Nice 40 hold rear too. Still have that baby on my centurion lemans 12.

Of course that was before Perfuckance bought bike nashbar and screwed it up. Never found out what happened to spike nashbar though.


robota wants some ysteopt respect. I suggested to it that it stop being such a jerk and it might get some.

Anonymous said...

hi mr rock machine!

cat cafe? hipsturbia? I live in one of the more unhip aerosmith-listening white trash sections of Boston, and both a cat cafe/spa and organic food co-op just opened up down the street from me - in a place where just 5 years ago crackheads would offer to service your privates for a small fee.

I even saw a bakfiets parked at the cat place (which is next to what resembles an airport hotel bar, without the airport or a hotel).

NO ONE IS SAFE.

Spokey said...

cat cafe? That's what we call the barn over there. Serving creamed field mouse daily. music by the holstein herd.

JB said...

Tom Selleck rides a Giant. Cool.

Anonymous said...

top XXX?

from erimecaf

McFly said...

I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes ashtray.

dancesonpedals said...

quarter century

go 4 more stops on metro north (or a few more miles on the oca) & see Tarrytown...we have a mrs green's (suck on that, whole foods)

Ironic Art Critic said...

"See how I get behind the saddle and my scranus totally blots out the sun?"

Pure Art - your scranus framing the dead trees

Dave said...

Recent sightings that have become regrettably commonplace:

persons in casual/business attire riding no-handed at speed, jabbering on phones and applying lip-gloss

persons texting while riding, lurching wildly all over the bike paths

rider passing other riders who are themselves just then passing pedestrians, thus enabling head-on collisions.

Time to hone the bird-flipping skillz.

Buffalo Bill said...

I gots me one of those giant type bicycle cycles just like Mr. Selleck but sadly the logo presentation is much less restrained. Seriously, it has like two dozen words on it, and every one says giant, only in all caps. I know, subtle right?

62d4b470-a09b-11e3-ab28-000bcdca4d7a said...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/27/sharlene-simon-brandon-majewski_n_5224094.html

"I killed your kid on accident. I now have to live with it. Give me $1.35 million... Oh, and my condition is damaging my husband too, he wants $100K."

JLRB said...

Grow some ironic mutton chops Snob, or if you can't grow them you can always go for the Wiggins pubes transplant

Aged flange is not the same as flank steak

Not to be confused with bad pubic hair days

Some Nashbar Weight Weenie said...

I had one of them hubs. Man, what a brick! Nice looking and worked well, but I think it's about the cheapest thing per pound that Nashbar sells.

Anonymous said...

As someone who worked for Sur la Table's corporate outpost for like six days I can say with absolute authority that, much like the rest of that shithole outhouse Seattle, the company is a real shithole. Shit.

crosspalms said...

It's not unusual to see a novelist type with ironic mutton chops? I've never seen anybody type with mutton chops, and I used to have them. Best I could do was get them in my food sometimes. Video, NYT, or it didn't happen

crosspalms said...

Although I bet Daniel Day-Lewis could type with mutton chops. He was pretty convincing in "My Left Foot."

RoadQueen said...

Like Tom Selleck and Buffalo Bill, I too, have a Giant biek. I like it.

Of course like a typical woman, I load it down with everything I deem necessary (which really isn't) on any and all rides, no matter the category of the ride.

So really, saving weight won't help you any when you INSIST on carrying 10# of sundries and supplies everywhere.

Thinking I may need a tadpole trike AND pull-behind trailer. Because then I can pack along all my shit.

And my dog.

JUNK TRNK

Bazzfuss said...

"Bend over and I'll show ya!"

Freddy Murcks said...

All hail to Mount Scranus for it is where the fun originates. Now go forth good people and conquer that craggy peak. But watch out for the brown stuff. Contrary to appearances, it is neither dirt nor dirty snow.



I am shitting you not, but I have just made a not so oblique reference to poop, and this is the robot captcha that I am gifted with: erantp you. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

Anonymous said...

Where can I get that Woodman hub? The ad shows it ON SALE for $129.95. That's quite a steal, since the normal price is listed as $130.

The Robot Engineer said...

The great thing about that Woodman hub is that it's on sale for 5¢ off!

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:08 -- You beat me to it! I was brewing a clever response to the $0.05 savings a buyer could brag about, but you passed me on the last lap...

-NHcycler, a.k.a. sons prillts

Anonymous said...

Flyover BC 1:37 POTD

-NHcycler, a.k.a. rnszati take

Anonymous said...

My new bike brand is called Poopenshitz Bicycle Co.

Free with every frame purchase-- I take a dump in your seat tube.

Anonymous said...

Smart thinking to go out for a ride this morning there bright boy. Supposed to rain the rest of the week.

Old Man Budnitz said...

Anon 1:28, WCRM was exaggerating for literary effect, like when he "makes fun of" me or my products. That hub is really no heavier than a Smart car. I was going to use them on my single speed bikes, but machine built wheels and stacks of spacers cost significantly less.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Is hiring a sherpa mandatory when attempting to summit the peak of Mount Scranus?

CommieCanuck said...

Savodelli doping? Shocked, completely shocked. So shocked. Shocking. Really shocked. surprised and shocked, more stunned, but still shocked. Really.
No, not really.

CommieCanuck said...

I witnessed a suburban hipster bike head-on collision last weekend. The sounds of rustled beards and tearing faux vintage jackets was horrifying.
I had to eat at a PF Chang's just to recover psychologically.

dancesonpedals said...

In Nepal, some climbers came down with Sherpes...a scranial disease that's un-tweetable

(not to be confused with chirpes, a canarial disease that's untweatable)

(not to be confused with the difference between herpes & true love...herpes lasts forever)

CommieCanuck said...

Don't forget the Washington DC epidemic of twerpes.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Crosspalms,

My dad had some bona fide mutton chops, but that was back in the seventies. He never wrote a novel, nor rode a bike that I can remember, but we had a laugh when he tried to get on my cousin's skateboard one time. Good times....

RoadQueen said...

Commie at 3:54 for COD.

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Anonymous said...

Writer's block on your novel? Forget it. Not in you.

Anonymous said...

Bro-Snob! You are one hour early!

I am so glad you are a MTBiker bro! Finally see the light!

Bro, you need to set up the brake levers right.
Tilted down at 5 oclock is not cool. Like tilting a road bar all the way up. Not cool bro.

Q: When do you need the brakes the most?
A: When I am behind the saddle going down!

Q: How do you angle the brake levers to have optimal reach while behind the saddle?
A: I tilt the levers up, around 4 o'clock or earlier!

Ergonomics bro!

Give it a try! MTB is not like road, people know their stuff!!!

--MTBSnobNYC

BikeSnobNYC said...

MTBSnobNYC,

Save it. I've been riding bikes long enough to know where I want my brake levers.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JB said...

MTBSnobNYC,

Something tells me that if Snob was missing the levers while at >MtnFred Woo-Hoo angle, then he would move them.

I don't even know the angle that I put my mtn levers at, but I don't position them for my riding position 0.03% of the time.

"Give it a try! MTB is not like road, people know their stuff!!!"

Your Fred is showing.

[unless your whole comment was ironic, in which case, I don't care]

JB said...

Brevity. I needs it.

commentatorbot_29347 said...

MTBSnobNYC unleashes the next, great, fred debate!!!!!!!

It's worse than the "page off" from 30 rock or any other television geek character battles.

If Seinfeld is tired of driving around exotic cars, maybe a bike shop should the backdrop to his next show. I'm sure NBC would like to relive those glory days.

"What is the deal with hard bicycle seats? Oh, hey George."

crosspalms said...

Last time I tilted the levers up before 4 o'clock I was pretty smashed by 6.

Anonymous said...

Its cuming down here like that 19 year old squirter I ended up with in that trailer park at the party after the party. Only difference is that its cool and I am trying NOT to get it on my shants.

She was all "Am I normal? " and I was all "We need a tarp."

babble on said...

You're useful, snob. Crotchtal agility is a valuable and necessary contribution to society. It's definitely something the world could do with more of.

Heh heh. Yer hot today, Commie. :D

DB said...

Crosspalms, 4:52, for the win.

Roille Figners said...

You know what I think, I think whoever writes a sentence like "Here, beside the gray-suited salarymen and four-door minivans, it is no longer unusual to see a heritage-clad novelist type with ironic mutton chops sipping shade-grown coffee at the patisserie, or hear 30-somethings in statement sneakers discuss their latest film project as they wait for the 9:06 to Grand Central" is a way bigger douche than the people in the sentence.

Anonymous said...

Never mind the angle of the brake levers, what about that chain!?

Is that a rusty chain, Snobby?

And is it some of kind of artisanal mutton-chopped hipster ironic statement? The rest of the bike is swish and sparkling, but the chain looks like it has been out in the rain for six months.

JLRB said...

Rollie - Yes that sentence could set the record for pseudo hip stereotype douchery.

"Here, beside the [douche description of middle aged worker], it is no longer unusual to see [douche description of novelist] in a [douche description of a coffee shop] or hear [douche sneakers] discuss [douche pseudo work] as they wait [for the douche train]."

I wonder how long the douche douched while douching it.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:22pm,

It's completely un-ironic dirt.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:22pm,

It's completely un-ironic dirt.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous 5:22pm said...

Ah, so it is, I can see it now.

Those are terribly vicious looking teeth on the crank, btw.

Anonymous 5:22pm said...

Ah, so it is, I can see it now.

Those are terribly vicious looking teeth on the crank, btw.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Are you two dating the Doublemint twins?

wishmerckxwasi said...

Are you two dating the Doubletwin mints?

Pissed 'n' Broke said...

The Honda's connecting rod failed and I've been drinking heavily because I can't afford to fix it. Oh... Wait... I'm in the wrong blog.

Anonymous said...

Bro-Snob!

Just trying to help you enjoy your initiative !!!

"humans can learn how to ride a shopping cart if you put them on it" S.P.

4 o'clock™ ruler - no substitute!

ppl it is not debatable where the levers go!
"I SHRED AT 4"

"The only regret of the old wise man is lack of time to learn more"!!!

Something like that bro!!!


--MTBSnobNYC


Also bro! no dropper on hard tails unless you use it on your CX bike!!!

Anonymous said...

and BRO!!!
Ergon grips are no good for technical stuff !!!!

hellbelly said...

Do a ride through the mall on yr Engin ala The Blues Brothers and film it for us.

BikeSnobNYC said...

MTBSnob,

You are an idiot, or else a very convincing facsimile of one.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Brakes @ 4:20 said...

Annoyimous @ 7:08. Get a grip. One can enjoy a ride even without the technical nuances that seem so important to you... bro.

Anonymous said...

BRO, FFS!! Take the chill pill!
Nobody is born learned!

When you go ridin a real trail you don't want the dudes thinking you are a fiver! If u ride a non correct rigid better be shredding!

5 o'clock = fixie
4 o'clock = track bike

4-no-ergons and voila!
You may clear that rock with ease bro!
I know you are thinking about that sweet dropper but don't do it!!
Just tryin to help!

RESPECT

--MTBSnobNYC

four hour erection said...

Mutton chops are ICONIC, more so than ironic. At least mine are.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Dear Abby, dear Abby, my feet are too long; my hair's falling out, and my MTB is set up all wrong...

Anonymous said...

Benny Hill once said "You canna go looking for the sheepin in the rainin". He was playing the character of Little Bo Peep in a Swedish porn movie at the time.

But the point is Can I go looking for coffee on my bicycle in the rainin? I think I'll make a cup of tea.

When will tea become cool with hipsters? I dread that day.

Ergonomics Police said...

Levers must also be spaced sufficiently inboard from the grip and reach adjusted to allow for optimal pointer finger placement on the curve. Yes, every mountain biker knows this.

Cogito Ergon Zoom said...

Looks like somebody spiked that one kid's juice box.

BikeSnobNYC said...

MTBSnob,

"The dudes" can blow me.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Braking Bad said...

Oh dear God. I dread to go for a ride because my brake levers might not be correctly placed and I will now be mocked by those 'In the know'. I just use to sort of squeeze them and the bike seemed to stop but it seems that there is so, so much more to this than I ever would have dreamed.

McFly said...

I cannot believe I am sayin this but this dooder is makin me almost miss ChamoisJuice. Almost......

BikeSnobNYC said...

McFly,

I just assumed it was him.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

dancesonpedals said...

Hey bikesnob, that's an ugly bike you were riding. Was it pig night at the bicycle frat?

McFly said...

I tried riding without my Ergons over the winter and apparently my wrists are so old and craggly I need mandatory palm platforms. Fuck what looks good and do what feels right. Gettin old has some advantages.

Anonymous said...

Excellent! I shall now invoke the 4 O'Clock rule on all my Mounting Bike rides, as in,

"Hey, can we check out this new trail?"
"NO!, 4 O'Clock Rule! Not Debatable!"

"Borrow your pump?"
"NO! 4 O'CLock Rule, NOT Debatable!"

"Hey wait up! It's getting dark and I don't know the trail"
"No!, 4 O'...I think you get it"

Perfect tool for the perfect Tool.

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:54 was cj for sure.


"rnetwage graciously" ?!

JB said...

The dooder probably is...

Anonymous Juice Spiker said...

They're fun to watch, but the poor little bastard is going to crash hard.

I better only usehalf a teaspoon of vodka next time.

Dave said...

Four o'clock - kind of a sad, limp angle for a bro, or a dude even...

Maybe we could work up some kind of bro/dude anthem:

So listen up buster, your name is now mud,
shove your brakes up your ass and go pull on your pud.

The robot he don't care, he say -
one ofWhatrv you're having, bro...

Anonymous said...

Wait... What!?!?!!!
LOL...
Dudes seriously?!?! Is not possible to make a genuine suggestion on equiment!?!

Bro... ride as you like!!!! But stop telling other people what is right/wrong to do if you cant take a small advice yourself!!! No need to be ashamed!!!
Never 2 late to learn in life!!!!! And get a suspension if you wanna have fun on the trails!!!

And for all the dushsters with an opinion on the matter without having a clue: Google images is your friend!!!!
Just search for mtb racing and see how to to set p the levers!!!!

4 oclock rule i just made it up for the technically challnged so they get it!!!!!!
NO OFFENSE!!!

--MTBSnobNYC


Anonymous said...

You didn't even mention that they should be positioned inboard of the grips so your finger has the most leverage when braking. You don't know a brake lever set-up from your finger up your anus.

Happy trails, bro!

JLRB said...

100 ((yawn))

For some reason I woke up at 4 AM and can't get back to sleep

must go check my brake lever set up

bro

Anonymous said...

101 - "...Brooklyn is turning out to be the last three days of Burning Man.”

McFly said...

I used to think Evie Stevens was hot but after watching some rainy day UCI Womens Pro Tour footage I have decided that Lizzy Armistead(Rainy Day Woman #12) and Emma Johansson(Rainy Day Woman #35) give me a much more significant Intimidation Boner.

Anonymous said...

Emma Johansson for the win. Being Swedish is bonus.

BikeSnobNYC said...

MTBSnob,

On the contrary, you're welcome to make all the suggestions you want. I'm just telling you that you sound like a frickin' idiot.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Dooth said...

My statement sneakers are louder after I take them off.

Dave said...

I think I see the problem with Mr. MTB. Not enough exclamation points. Everyone knows that the more loudly and enthusiastically an argument is presented, the more persuasive it is. And while writing, the more exclamation points,the better.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!bro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!dudebro!!!!!..and so forth. I'm sure that will turn the tide.

BamaPhred said...

As I cowered in my basement waiting for the tornadoes to go away I looked at my break levers and realized I didn't care what angle they were.

crosspalms said...

Get gravel-specific levers, they let you set them up anywhere between 3 and 6. Don't forget to attach the cables, though. You'd be surprised what a difference that makes.

David Pearce said...

Revealed by your headline, been receiving too many Sotheby's online auction catalogues, have we?

obat penyakit usus buntu said...

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The Langsett said...

Are you in Hastings on Hudson? I love it there! That's the first place I ever had pizza with leaves on top, which is about the most bohemian thing I can imagine. And that was ten years ago. I can only imagine how cutting edge cool it must be now.