Thursday, July 13, 2017

Wait, is it really Thursday already?

Sorry I'm late, but you have no idea what I'm dealing with.

I'm not saying I'm dealing with a lot, because I'm not, I'm just saying you actually have no idea because you never think to ask:


Here's what he's writing, by the way:


Hey, therapy's expensive, but it's worth it.

Anyway, I doubt you even miss me at this point, since: 1) you take me for granted; and B) I have a whole other blog now.

And that's not even counting my weekly column at Outside, the next installment of which should materialize imminently.

Speaking of bullshit, remember how Andrew Talansky (currently 41st on the CG) was training with a for the Tour de France with a brain-zapper?



Well now Chris Froome is wearing a performance-enhancing septum ring:
At this year's Tour, Froome has been seen wearing a nasal dilator called the Turbine. The three-time race winner has been using it for a while. Riders are allowed to wear it in competition, according to the UCI, but we've seen Froome use it only after racing during his cooldown.

The company says on its website that the Turbine is "proven in a clinical trial to increase air flow through the nose by an average of 38%." 

Here are some of the research notes taken during that clinical trial:


Thinking of trying a Turbine for yourself?  The "starter kit" is only $19.95:


On one hand, twenty bucks isn't a lot of money in the context of Fredly performance-enhancement.  On the other hand, it's a piece of fucking plastic you stick up your nose.  Also, in a stroke of pure genius, you have to keep buying new ones.  Just read the FAQ:

HOW LONG DOES EACH TURBINE LAST?

Each device is recommended for use up to 10 times. A single pack comes with three devices.

Amazing.

And why do you have to replace it?  Because accumulating bacteria could make you die:

WHY SHOULD I CHANGE TURBINE AFTER 10 USES?

Testing has shown that to optimise the performance of the device, comfort and fit, Turbine should be replaced after 10 uses.
While Turbine may appear fit for use beyond 10 uses, optimal device performance cannot be guaranteed because:
1. Of the risk of bacteria accumulation and the maintenance of hygiene standards.
2. The device may discolour or the ultra-soft polymer may begin to stiffen affecting comfort.
3. The dilation mechanism will wear and may not hold its dilation effectively.

That's why I'm getting in on the act and selling an aftermarket system to keep your Turbine running longer:


Just keep in mind if the ultra-soft polymer gets too stiff it could snap and you could inhale the Turbine during competition, resulting in death--or worse, a diminished placing in the Gran Fondo or other targeted event.

I'm just waiting for Mario Cipollini to officially enter the performance-enhancing insertable market:


("Mine is similar, but for the butt.")

Lastly, you'll no doubt be delighted to learn the fixie and/or singlespeed as branding exercise refuses to die, and the "L Train Commuter" is proof:



Brilliant was inspired to build this bicycle after hearing news that the NYC Subway's notoriously unreliable L-Train is going down for 15 months of service, leaving many Brooklynites without their main artery into the city. With this limited edition bike, they set out to create the ultimate commuter bicycle for a seamless borough-to-borough, city ride. Even the paint options have a Brooklyn story to tell; a subway grey in tribute to the train, or a rich dark blue inspired by the Hudson river crossing. 

That's right: it's the first-ever dedicated subway service change bike.

Just don't try to use it in conjunction with any other subway line outage our you'll void the warranty.

Also, once L train service resumes you should discard the bike immediately, just like a Turbine schnoz ring after the 10th use.

See you tomorrow, and more punctually I hope.


40 comments:

Anonymous said...

POOO DUMM

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium two days in a row!

BamaPhred said...

Podiodio

Kenny Banya said...

dammit

cdinvb said...

Hey. All good. I'm going on vacation. See ya in two or three weeks. Might be longer than that. Just depending.

Chazu said...

Bah humbug

Good to see you, Kenny.

Joe said...

The L crosses the Hudson!?!? This is huge news and a major failure of communication on the MTA's part. All these years I thought I was taking it to Brooklyn, but I was apparently going to Jersey.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Joe,

Holy shit, I missed that!

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

Top ten even at this late hour

Jean-Francois Caron said...

At least the L bike has eyelets for a rack and fenders, unlike most of these "ultimate urban whatever" objects.

N/A said...

Oh, sure, it's all fun and games with the Turbine until a gnat shoots up your nose.

Spokey said...


this is beyond late doors.
but at least the dozen donuts podium position

Spokey said...

froome with a nosey ring?

hmmmmmmmmm. guess aru must be wearing two today

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Don't use an L Train specific bike to parallel the IRT, the gauge is smaller and you could suffer all types of bad side effects ""up to and including"" death.

Like using a gravelle specific bike on single track.

vsk

dop said...

GRAV ELLE

Hair Furor said...

Can't believe Froome didn't get a TUE for the SnotPlug!?

Vinay said...

Surely, the turbine ring is just you nosing around Snob? Surely it is not a real product.

Surely?

Please?

Please?

*starts screaming*

Grump said...

I wonder if they recommend that it's alright if you remove the TURBINE mid ride to share it with a friend??????? I assume that they would recommend that it better be a CLOSE friend.

Anonymous said...

Well, given that there's performance enhancing poop swapping now, for stronger gut fauna, surely it can't be bad to exchange snot fauna?

curry goat said...

Old Skanky crossing!!!!!!!

bad boy of the south said...

Better nate than lever.

N/A said...

Well, you can pick your nose. You can pick your friends. Can you pick your friend's nose?
THE TURBINE CAN.

leroy said...

A few years ago on a trans-Atlantic flight on a British airline, I saw a video of things to do in New York City. The narrator had a thick New York accent and described his NYC friends' and family's favorite places.

But he kind of lost me when he described crossing the Hudson via the Williamsburg Bridge.

As for Brilliant's Hudson River blue, I'm sure it's nice, but our rivers more often seem a little green.

Oh well. Could be worse. Could be bridle path tan.

Hee Haw the barista said...

TUBE BIKE

The Shadow Nose said...

I wonder if that gizmo would stop snoring.

Anonymous said...

Jumping back to yesterday: what the hell happend to Lemond? He's 56 and looks like he could've raced with Eddy Merckx; hell he kinda looks like Eddy (who is 72) at this point.

JLRB said...

The way to get more speed using the nose ring is to tie fishing line to it and attach the other end to the domestique leading you out

NICE NOSE

Dooth said...

Up your nose with a rubber hose, er, turbine.

bieks said...

Wow, the L-Train just jumped the shark. You couldn't cut that category any narrower with a razor.

Don't even think of using it to replace any out of commission Chicago L's - or you know what will happen.

Drock said...

What is inside the nose stays in the nose.

Arizona hillbilly said...

Did that guy's nose always look like that?

Anonymous said...

I wear my contact lenses waaaaay longer than eye doc says to. Im sure turbine is the same.
Here's the L train commuter blue:
https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0944/2874/products/gear-patrol-store-priority-bikes-l-train-navy-6_1024x1024.jpg?v=1498851651
i think the subway grey is more in the hudson river colourway.

AfricanSingle said...

Nose ring is known as a Princess Alberta. For obvious reasons

Crosspalms said...

Bull look like pig, except no curly tail.

Me, I go fast in flats by riding one-handed, use other to pinch nose with thumb and first finger. Harder going up or down hill, but cheaper than Turbine. (And by "fast" I mean a little less slow, because I just ain't that fast...)

Anonymous said...

but your other blog is rubbish for anyone not living in your crappy city

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:20am,

Australian?

My condolences.

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

Does this mean if I stick my finger in my nose more than 10 times I'll die? OOPS! I'm already dead!!! - masmojo

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness that was a Turbine in Froome's nose. When I saw his post-race interview yesterday, I felt embarrassed for his having gone on TV with a huge booger hanging down. It actually did look more like a nose ring, but I assumed he wouldn't have done anything that stupid.

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ItsEasyBeingGreen said...

Surely Brilliant meant to say "East River Crossing"?