Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Titles Are Like Valve Caps: Who Needs 'Em?

All right, that's it, I'm moving to Carmel:

Do I know which Carmel?  No, it was not immediately clear from the article which state this is.  But when I see an opportunity to mold an entire city in my image--and get paid for it--you'd better believe I take it:

The Carmel City Council is considering whether to add a new paid city employee as a bicycle program administrator. The position could be paid up to $69,000 a year.

City Councilor Bruce Kimball introduced the ordinance at the Nov. 20 meeting as a late add-on to the agenda. Some city councilors said they would feel more comfortable taking time to examine what the position would do before approving it, especially since it was added to the agenda just hours before the meeting.

Oh sure, $69,000 a year isn't much to uproot my entire family and leave the city of my birth, but just think of the opportunities for graft!  Remember the David Byrne bike racks?


(Times sure have changed, he'd have been pilloried for that sexist mud flap girl rack today.)

Well just wait until I commission a series of racks from celebrated minimalist designer Olle Nilsson:


Is there a celebrated minimalist designer named Olle Nilsson?  Not to the best of my knowledge.  However, you'd better believe he's going to present Carmel with some staggering invoices.

Then maybe I'll commission a series of special bikes, like these from Specialized, which were curated from an incredibly diverse group of six (6) bros and one (1) she-bro:



After ten (10) years of bike blogging, during which I witnessed the dawn and subsequent demise of the age of the fixie collabo, this sort of thing hardly registers with me anymore and I found it mostly whimsical and charming--though I did get a little bit of a douchechill from the "Madmen" bike:


Complete with beer taps:


And a crabon mini bar:


Hey, what can I say, that whole whiskey-quaffing Richard Spencer haircut-wearing retro-bro aesthetic just doesn't do it for me.

Speaking of bikes and intoxicants, you will now be able to deliver marijuana in California, but not by bicycle:


Delivery operations will be legal, but, interestingly, only with certain vehicles. Car and truck deliveries are legal; bicycles are not.

Hey, you wouldn't want to do something progressive without putting more cars on the roads, would you?

Of course not.

And in exciting foam hat-related product news, a press release informs me that Coros is flogging a new helmet:



Featuring their bone conduction technology:


Which I described thusly in my Outside column on the subject of headphones:

I once tested a helmet that incorporated bone-conduction speakers in the straps and basically pumped the music from your phone via Bluetooth into your cheekbones, and while I don’t see how this setup kept me any safer than those ubiquitous white earbuds, I can assure you it sounded terrible.

Yes, you may recall I wasn't impressed with that earlier iteration of the Coros, not least of which because I could never get the "Your loved one just crashed and is probably dead" feature to work:



In fact between the crappy audio, the random disconnections from my phone, and the seemingly bogus safety feature I ultimately consigned the thing to my helmet pile (come on, who doesn't have a helmet pile?) and forgot about it.

Glad to see they're back with something that does nothing you can't already do with Strava and a smart watch.

By the way, that's totally the Rickenbacker Causeway on Key Biscayne, I have Fredded there on multiple occasions:



I'm pretty sure it's the biggest climb in Florida.

Finally, Lucas Brunelle has important places to be:

A post shared by Lucas Brunelle (@lucasbrunelle) on

His entire oeuvre is a cry for help.

32 comments:

ricochet said...

DONGS

Bryan Bracy said...

podiums for everyones

Samuel said...

Hooray!

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

$69,000 will allow you to live comfortably in your car in SoCal ...

vsk

82medici said...

Ads on the Carmel page show a 317 area code. That puts you in the Indianapolis, Indiana area. $69k wouldn't be enough to get me to move there.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Carmel is the next town over from me! Thanks for the job lead!

mander said...

Top ten and read the whole thing

82medici (again) said...

Here is what Carmel is famous for:

In 1924, one of the first automatic traffic signals in the U.S. was installed at the intersection of Main Street and Rangeline Road. The signal was the invention of Leslie Haines and is currently in the old train station on the Monon Trail.

N/A said...

I need a mini-bar (crabon or other) in my desk at work. A rip of that whiskey would be just fine right now.

Seattle lone wolf said...

Do valve caps really serve no purpose once the tube is out of the box? I must know.

Chazu said...

Ten years, three jobs, two children, and two cities later, I still read only one (1) bike blog.

Unless you count AHTBM. I still pop in over there from time to time.

Anonymous said...

Fucking Brunelle...
That's Boston's silver line. It's a shitty but cheap bus route from Logan to South Station. Not ballsy or creative

Anonymous said...

S Cccccrrr R A N U S !

Freddy Murcks said...

wHY ARE TRI-FREDS SO JOYLESS AND WHY IS lUCAS bRUNELLE SO FUCKING STUPID? wHY IS MY CAPS LOCK KEY STILL ON? wHY DO i KEEP TYPING LIKE THIS? tHE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.

Pist Off said...

I miss 2008, when I could still find Fuck Tha Police cereal. The only big collabo I can think of now is White Supremacy and Elected Government.

Anonymous said...

Please also commission minimalist designer Olle Nilsson to design cars.

Anonymous said...

That's not the silver line.

It's the Harvard Bus Tunnel, through Harvard Station. Since the world revolves around Brunelle he believes the Waverley bus stopped because of him.

leroy said...

Well imagine my relief to learn a reference to a bone conduction speaker did not involve my dog.

sweatpants cyclist said...

Here's my "Roll Your Own" bicycle, which I like to call "The Brain Fart". It's got a high-definition microphone embedded in the saddle, which is wirelessly linked to a Coros smart helmet, featuring bone conduction technology.

JLRB said...

Titties vulva caps and cards delivering weed - isnitnWednesday

wishiwasmerckx said...

So now we know that Snob's Bubbie and Zaydie live in Key Biscayne, Florida, or as we like to call it, "G-d's waiting room."

Lisa Hyundai said...

And I thought Brunelle was laying low after getting punched out by a Boston cabbie.

babble on said...

Titties? I didn't see no schtinkin titties!! Where's Da Babe when you need her, that's what I want to know!

Anonymous said...

putting more cards on the roads??

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

24st. Missed the start. Bus got in my way. Got dropped in the early sprint and didn't recover. Must have been the boner in my ear.

That Brunelle chap really is a knob holster isn't he?

Adam said...

Don't even give Brunelle clicks or breath, dude. That's what he wants!

McFly said...

Sometimes I will allow a new position then approve it on the fly.


Giggity.

JLRB said...

Soliciting advise on bicycle sound accessories. The speakers on bicycles thing with kids these days - what are they - which ones are good? I need to santa one for a human child.

Anonymous said...

I know fishing and cycling are no strangers (ex Shimano), but what's up with the bike companies pushing fishing lately? In addition to this Specialized promo video you've linked, this week I've seen ads from Blackburn and Salsa respectively advocating the bike-to-fish lifestyle.

Mocking Specialized is fun, but I do tip my hat to their promotion of skitching and drinking by bike.

Dirk Montero said...

A few observations a day late, if you will:

1. It's definitely not Carmel, CA. They will legalize selling ice cream cones and wearing high heels on sidewalks before they'll every have a bicycle program coordinator, much less a bicycle program.

2. The Specialized Roll is the most shockingly sensible bike in their entire lineup. You can even get an all-steel, low-step version with good old rim brakes plus racks and fenders. Of course the assembled crew of bros went to great pains to customize their own personal versions and focused on form first and foremost - they're all graphic designers! Speaks volumes about where Specialized is coming from - they accidentally produce a really sensible bike and then literally cover it up!

3. The 2008 fixie/collabo entry you linked to also mentions your disdain for valve caps. I see what you did there! Or: coincidence?

As always,

Dirk

bieks said...

Plus, Clint Eastwood used to be Mayor, so must be different Carmel.

I've designed and had lot's of those racks installed. Time for a name change. Buh-bye Bieks.

kishor said...

Heyyyyyyy!!