Friday, February 9, 2018

People Can't Stop Saying Dumb Things About Bike Lanes

Bike lanes.  They've been compared to Nazis:


They've been accused of inducing a "dizzying type of vertigo" (as opposed to the non-dizzying type?):


And now, finally, the former mayor of San Luis Obispo has finally "gone there" and compared them to out-and-out rape:
Yeah, that's right, rape:


Just think about it: until now you probably had no idea who former San Luis Obispo mayor Ken Schwartz even was.  Now you know him as the person leaning jauntily on a white piano who uttered one of the dumbest and most insensitive things ever said by a human being:


It's a good thing he specified male penis, by the way.  That's an important distinction to make:


Also, somebody should probably tell him that he's watching too much Black Mirror and that self-riding bicycles which roam cities raping people aren't a thing yet:


So what is this "urban rape" anyway?  Well, apparently the city wants to put in a [gasp] bike boulevard:


In past meetings and city polls, community members have criticized adding bike pathways on the city’s north end, including Broad, Mission and Ramona streets. They believe bicyclists will be in harm’s way of motorists and disrupt the neighborhood’s parking and traffic flow.

Others say it will provide needed safe cycling routes to Cal Poly and Foothill Boulevard, as well as for area children getting to school.

Wow, making the streets safe for children getting to school?  Now that definitely sounds rapey.


Actually, the only explanation for Ken Schwartz's letter that makes any sense is that he suffers from a rare brain disorder which makes him think "rape" means "make safer."

Yes, spare some sympathy for poor Ken Schwartz, who lives in a lonely world where these are called rape goggles:


This is a rape pin:




And where in 1983 Canadian synth-pop sensation Men Without Hats delighted the world with this catchy number:


("Rrrr...Aaaa....Pppp...Eeee...Yyyy...")

On second thought, don't spare him any sympathy, he's clearly a giant asshole.

Anyway, if people on bicycles constitutes urban rape I'd love to know what this schmuck thinks cars have been doing to us all these years.

Speaking of words that don't mean what people think they mean, meet the Freedom Bottle, the hydration system which reduces your versatile bottle-and-cage system to a proprietary pin for some reason:



Here's the pin:


"Eliminating the cage, we can mount anything on our pin."

Hmmm, there's a word for what that pin's doing to that bottle, but I can't quite think of what it is...

62 comments:

McFly said...

BIKE LANE

Jean-Francois Caron said...

Freedom bottle:

"Perfect for Triathletes, Female Cyclists in fact anybody."

Women and "anybody" should be insulted to be lumped in with triathletes, who might actually fall for this. That said, why would this appeal to FCs specifically? Do they appreciate the shape more?

Skidmark said...

Bike lain? But was it consensual?

cdinvb said...

I have a powerful urge to ride a bike somewhere. That's all.

wle said...

" a word for what that pin's doing to that bottle ":

isn't the pin **SAFETY-IZING** the bottle??

or is that **SATISFYING** the bottle?

Anonymous said...

Surprise Podium?

Anonymous said...

Podium

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...I wish every street in NYC would get raped already.

Houston said...

I know Snob isn't a fan of vehicular cycling, but this is where it helps. "Bike lanes are too dangerous and cause traffic", so you want the bikes to use the car lane of traffic then? They will have to make room for us one way or another and I think would prefer bike lanes if forced to make a choice. Unfortunately that means you need to cycle with a buddy(ies) to increase your own personal safety.

O'4fuxake said...


BYKS KNOB

Anonymous said...

safety bike, rapey bike, potAto, potOhto

dnk said...

"No other word" (other than rape) "would be proper?"

This guy clearly needs to expand his lexicon.

Dane Watt said...

Podio, didn't read article

Max Schlachter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nich said...

I wonder if they will launch a freedom cycling shorts, attaching the pin to the saddle for Fred-safety! Better than a helmet!

minim said...

So drunk rn

bad boy of the south said...

Wow,just,wow.

McFly said...

Ken's Schwartz is bigger than yours. Get it*?


*I'm referring to his male penis.

Anonymous said...

At least he's the former mayor.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

That "mayor" guy needs to meet some of the people from the Group W Bench.


Haa Haa, you youngsters got no clue ...

vsk

Anonymous said...

Are there any pastures around SLO for that senile gentleman?

Rodney King said...

Can't we all just get along?

Chazu said...

I was minding my own business, doing what normal human beings do: driving my Ford F-350 crew cab extended bed freedom machine (only 38 more low-low monthly payments of $699 to go!). I had 2 miles remaining in my 5 mile one-way trip to the office. Suddenly, a murderous bike lane jumped out of nowhere and flung a dozen or so rapey bikes at me. The bikes promptly proceeded to scratch my truck's paint while simultaneously trying to get into my pants (who can blame them? the truck is a strong indicator of what you'll find in my pants), but I fought 'em off with my bare, corpulent hands, and completed my 5 mile commute with a sense of pride and satisfaction.

der blaue Reiter said...

It's really all ok. If it's a legitimate safety of the streets, a city has ways to shut that down... What a jerk.

Also, "autonomous bikes that ride around the city by themsrlves..." plus illustration is great.

Steinway lover said...

Anyone with a white piano . . . don't trust'em.

Anonymous said...

" That said, why would this appeal to FCs specifically? "

Whoa, not touching that one.

I would suggest noting that IMHO the most cringeworthy advertising is directed towards those considered to be (or considering themselves,) a minority.
Note the alt-right for the most depressing examples.

janinedm said...

Last year, I saw a fairly large black dildo lying in the bike lane on St. Nick in the 150s. I guess now I know what it was doing there.

dancesonpedals said...

All I ask is that the bike lane buy me dinner and maybe some flowers

Anonymous said...

WLE,

The pin is pinitrating the bottle.

Jojo Potato said...

I wonder if this has to do with the California Eroica gigantic bike ride/party that now infests his quiet area along the coast every April. Besides the many annoying riders there is also much commercial activity and lots of auto traffic too. After all they need to drive to get there right?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I did not have sexual relations with that bike lane.

Andy said...

"...individuals who will have absolutely no understanding of that precious tranquility they will be destroying in their mindless focus of getting from point “A” to point “B” with the least possible inconvenience to themselves."

Drivers? He's talking about drivers, right?

Anonymous said...

Totes Jojo. If Rod Stewart comes to town or there is a golf tournament or whatever other activity that suburban California assholes pile into their SUVs for its NBD. But Eroica is, like, armegeddon.

If a bike boulevard is like being raped, then I guess most of the roads I have been on in California are more like being fucked by a train. Is there a word for that?

Anonymous said...

During rutting season, Ram pickups rape way more streets than even the most turpid bicycles.

O'4fuxake said...

Jayzus! I hope the family took the car keys away from that cranky old bastard.

Fredlefred said...

Canadian synth-pop sensation Men Without Hats also made a great guitar album: Sideways. Just sayin'.

Drock said...

Maybe they heard lanes for dikes instead of bikes, then rape could happen I guess.

Bogusboy said...

Giant asshole?
That's kinda harsh. More likely he's just another corroded old white person who's probably easing into a dementia-ridden senesence.
Seriously, look at this guy. That's his PR shot? A WHITE PIANO? He's gonna break into Cole Porter favorites any second.
Best advice I could give is to stay the fuck away from San Luis Obispo. Come to think of it, stay the fuck away from California. There seems to be a serious reality disconnect out there.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, the white piano is a big red flag.

leroy said...

Oh dear. What to do. What to do.

I'm very superstitious.

If I don't wish everyone safe riding on a Friday, I spend the weekend hiding under the bed discussing anxiety meds with the dust bunnies.

But thanks to the former ex-Mayor's tourette's syndrome that manifests with him sputtering rape when he means safety, safe wishes just feels off somehow.

Oh well, ride safe all!

That includes you too, ex-Mayor Schwartz; my dog and I hope you go safety yourself.

Anonymous said...

Has anyone bothered to ask Diane Lane her thoughts on the subject.

JLRB said...

Fine Friday Snark

RANTWICK said...

Snob, I'm super happy you're just keepin on doing yer blog thing. You write things that don't hurt my oh so sensitive brain. I've been busy with other shit, but I may well be back too. Blah, Blah, bike, blah.

Scott Maurer said...

Don't trust a white bearded guy in a denim suit.

Persia said...

Never mind, the angry old man will be dead soon.

You know, if they ever found a photo of Hitler on a bicycle, we'd get blamed for World War Two.

dop said...

Hey, Persia! Does this count>

Chazu said...

Anon February 9, 2018 at 4:38 PM,

There isn't a word for that, but there is a song for that. Psychedelic Furs - Into You Like A Train:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT-MbRtTo14

JLRB said...

Soon all bike lanes will require payment of a toll.

Actually there is no mention of bicycle infrastructure in the shithouse infrastructure proposal

SHOC KING

Cat 404 e-Racer said...

Listen up scones:

Check list for protection from cars

1. Helmet
2. Bell
3. Earbuds in pockets
4. High vis clothing

5. CIRCLE OF METAL POLES FILLED WITH CONCRETE

http://www.pressdemocrat.com/news/7987738-181/crash-damage-fixed-at-freestone?utm_source=home&utm_medium=impact&utm_campaign=pd_study

wle said...

NBD == No Big Deal [had to look it up]

("If Rod Stewart comes to town or there is a golf tournament or whatever other activity that suburban California assholes pile into their SUVs for its NBD. ")

Spokey said...

waiting, waiting, waiting . . . . . . . . .

guess no bloggery today.

oh well, i guess it's back to fries-day

i don't think i'm going to buy the freedom system. i think my initial step in improving my aerodynamicing should be to eat less. that and i don't want some fancy pants water bottle breaking wind for me. breaking wind IS MY JOB JACK!

bad boy of the south said...

the vredenburg,utrecht video you posted on trans alt.,not a helme(n)t could be seen.at least i didn't spot one.

boys on the hoods said...

Men without Hats in the blog post and Alice's Restaurant in the comments. Nice!!!

Tom Petty said...

The waiting is the hardest part

BamaPhred said...

Did someone say a Rod Stewart and bicycles.

“Steady all day!
Thought I was lookin' good
So I cycled 'cross the neighbourhood
Was invited by a skinny girl
Into her high class world”

streepo said...

I missed yesterday's post because I was flying. Now I know why the attendant said "For your personal rape please read the rape instructions on the rape card located in the seat pocket in front of you."

Matt said...

Wow...I live just 30mi south of SLO (San Luis Obisbo). No wonder I don't do any road riding up there...just mt biking (he hasn't attacked that yet to the best of my knowledge). Who knew I was missing out on all kinds of bike-street-rape all these years by not road-riding up there! Dang. If I were to decide to ride up there does that mean I'd have to register as a CA Sex Offender?

I did not have sex in that bike lane said...

Women in that lane, wearing blue GAP dresses, may be subject to flying sperm.

You ARE Welcome said...

I'm only posting here so I don;t see that last post if I come back here

Anonymous said...

Hey man, have you quit? I didn't see the "I am going to be away so amuse yourselves in my absence" post which you usually provide.

Haywood Jablome said...

Am I sweeper

Haywood Jablome said...

Sweeper...




Again